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Taking Extreme Performance to Heart at CES

Elite, Extreme, Pro…those are just a few of the descriptive terms found in many of our products’ names. We use them because we push the envelope past what’s commonly available because we know that’s what you’ve come to expect from us.

While the OWC Blog is mostly centered on news about products, Mac teardown tips & findings, and industry news, we do occasionally cut loose and have some fun. But, that fun is also taken to the extreme to honor that “work hard, play hard” phrase.

Most nights at CES, the OWC team eats dinner right after the show closes and then we hit our rooms to do, as I say, our “day jobs”. This year, I knew I had to make some time to make one night an extreme adventure.

And what would make a more extreme dinner than trying to eat a Quadruple Bypass Burger at the Heart Attack Grill? From the Wikipedia description of it, this gastronomical beast consists of four half-pound beef patties, eight slices of American cheese, a whole tomato and half an onion served on a bun coated with lard. This past April, Guinness World Records declared it the world’s most calorific burger at a whopping 9,982 calories. And that’s without the 20 slices of bacon they offer as an add-on.

OK…now some of you are going to go bonkers about how eating something like this is reckless, unhealthy, etc. You should know I’m a highly competitive, nationally ranked US Masters sprint swimmer. With my training regimen, I actually drink a weight gain/protein supplement or I’ll lose too much mass and not have the strength to burst with speed in the water. So, in my case, I’m pretty sure any health concerns are minimal. Hey, at least I only washed it down with the pure sugar Coke and not the butterfat shake!

Now, while my training does give me quite the appetite, there is some other training you should do to conquer this mountain of meat. Had I not watched Adam Richman on Man vs. Food or Guy Fieri on Dinners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, I would have been clueless as to how to grab this giant with two hands and how to start into it. Tip: just bury your face in it and take several bites with each plunge.

As the pictures show, one can make quite an event out of this eating attempt. So here are my recommendations on how you should approach this undertaking for a fun and successful outcome. Definitely take a few friends with so they can share in the insanity and document the proceedings. Trust me, your hands will be too full and too covered in all things burger to take any pictures. So, OWC Stephen and OWC Mike M. were my wingmen to capture this moment for your viewing amazement. And the first picture should be of you standing on the scale outside to see what you weigh before heading inside and having a “patient gown” put on.

Once inside, don’t get distracted by the milkshakes, the interesting selection of 40 oz. “old school” beers, or the nurses administering punishment via a paddle to other patient’s behinds for not finishing their meal. Don’t get psyched out by other “patients” either. Stephen and Mike did call to my attention to one who was sweating and taking some deep breaths. His mom, dad, and brother were giving him all the encouragement they could to help him finish. Watching that guy struggle, I did start to have some doubts, but knew it was just a matter of mind over meat. As Al Davis of Raiders fame might say, “Just focus on the burger, baby.”

And then it came….a towering, unholy concoction that truly should be accompanied by some sort of trumpets blaring and proclamations shouted to all in the general vicinity. Even Stephen and Mike were awed by this spectacle when compared to their Double Bypass versions. Since Mike opted to add bacon to his burger, I “borrowed” five slices to add to mine just to add some additional flavor and crunch. In hindsight, I should have asked for some avocado for some added flavor and healthy fat.

I did my best to get my hands around it and then just dove in and attacked. No talking, just eating. Well, occasionally I’d ask Stephen or Mike to add some ketchup and mustard for taste as I knew I had to keep my grip tight or the contents would just spill out into a messy pile.

My first realization I’d hit the finish line was after about five minutes. I had half of the burger gone and Stephen looked at me with a shocked expression and asked me what I had done with the rest of the burger. Truth be told, another five minutes later, I finished whatever had dropped out of the bun while watching my support crew finish their doubles! To kill some time while they were down to their last bites, I tried some of the “Flatliner Fries” (cooked in pure lard) we ordered, but was disappointed with them as they were just too soggy for my Epicurean palette.

After some good natured taunting of other “patients” who couldn’t finish their burgers and flexing my stomach muscles, we posed for a picture with our “nurse.” (Check out the gallery below for more pics!)

The moment of truth had arrived…did I truly finish that burger or had I hid some under the table? The scale doesn’t lie….three pounds heavier when leaving.

While my role at OWC is definitely fun and exciting, this event has given me pause to consider a career in taking on food challenges like Adam. Maybe I should try a local breakfast challenge (#35 on this list) to see if I truly have a future?

Rocket Yard Contributor
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